life as I know it.

Folks, it's been a while. But I want you to know I'm back, I've slept for a week straight, and I am ready to go. Dance has slowed down. It's not over, but it is incredibly less stressful. February was the first time that I was actually able to do something I wanted to do [besides sleep all day Sunday]. It's crazy what a wonderful feeling it is to be able to do something fun. Do something selfish that is purely for my enjoyment. The past 2 weeks I have lazily watched tv without falling asleep within the first 2 minutes. I have started working out once again. [something my body has been in desperate need of] I have painted a canvas that has been sitting blank and lonely for almost an entire year. I got to take a weekend trip [I haven't had a weekend off since August] home to Idaho to see my family. And I haven't broken down into tears every night! [yea]

Looking back on my past 6 months of teaching at Weber high is good old Ogden, Utah I have been on such a roller coaster. I honestly don't even know how to explain the trip I've been on. It's not just leaving my home, my family, and my friends and coming to a new place that may not have been my first choice, to a scary new job, to an even scarier coaching position. It's the emotions and the lessons I've learned. I have pushed myself mentally, emotionally, and physically harder this year than ever before. I have never been so exhausted in my entire life. I have never been on the verge of tears so many days in a row. I have never learned so much either. I feel like I have learned so many life lessons. What's important. What isn't. What is worth stressing about. What should never be given a second thought.

I know there was a reason I came here and did what I did. I feel like it was a training ground for the post Rexburg bubble life training me to be able to handle and enjoy what's to come. These past months I have been able to enjoy my husband. We were forced to only spend time with each other [since we are now friendless in Ogden] We rely completely on each other. I could not have pulled it together this year if Ryley didn't listen to me vent. To force me to calm down and take a hot shower. If he wouldn't have hugged it out with me instead of yelled it out. It takes one strong man to deal with one mentally unstable woman.

Now the future looks bright. I am working 50 hours a week instead of 80. I actually am able to sign, and paint, and be happy. Ryley is graduated and working with a photographer he loves. We have lots of big ideas/plans for summer and for life. I make no guarantees, but you may find me in Alaska or California soon. Maybe neither. You may see me rolling up in a new [well newer] car. One that, cross your fingers, won't break down every other month. You may find me with a new job, or no job. Honestly I'm not quite sure, but I know whatever comes is gonna be good. I have spent the last 6 months stressed and unhappy and I am done with that. I am now on a strictly enjoy life policy. Regardless of where I am or what I am doing I am going to enjoy life. [if possible I would love to enjoy life by an ocean] I have a man I love more than life. I have a roof over my head. I have some pretty clothes to cover me, and enough love and blankets to keep me warm. I am done wishing for the future. I am ready to sit back and relax. [if you know me, you understand how hard this is for me to do. I'm an obsessive overachiever] Life will be happy if I live in Idaho or Hawaii. Life will be happy if I don't loose 10 pounds. Life will be happy because I choose to be happy.


Rae said...

Happiness truly truly is a choice. I have always known that but it used to get sort of annoying to hear. However, the older I get, the more I realize how true it is.
So glad things have calmed down for you. I feel so badly you were just about over the edge. :( Happy you made it through.
You are gorg and so is your hair.
I really miss you.

Rachel said...

Ok love this thought. This is what I am trying to achieve to be happy NOW. It is a hard task to do and stop being a planner and multitasker. But it can be done. Thanks for inspiring me!